


How to (not) get along with your master

by Momoichi



Category: Fate/Zero
Genre: Headaches, Internet cafe, M/M, also black tea, kayneth doesn't know how to deal with any of that, malevolent technology, moles, why knights shouldn't be allowed to google stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-02
Updated: 2016-07-02
Packaged: 2018-07-19 16:45:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7369768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Momoichi/pseuds/Momoichi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'How to make your master acknowledge you...?' Rider lifted one red eyebrow in puzzlement. Diarmuid nodded with a serious face.</p><p>'Hmm...' Alexander scratched his big head, looking at his current master who sat next to him on a bench, angry that his servant had just let an enemy approach them on their walk through the city under such a pitiful excuse as 'he said he just wants to ask something'.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to (not) get along with your master

'How to make your master acknowledge you...?' Rider lifted one red eyebrow in puzzlement. Diarmuid nodded with a serious face.

'Hmm...' Alexander scratched his big head, looking at his current master who sat next to him on a bench, angry that his servant had just let an enemy approach them on their walk through the city under such a pitiful excuse as 'he said he just wants to ask something'.

'You have to prove your determination.' the heroic spirit gestured with a sudden swing of his fist and Waver almost jumped out from the shock.

'Never back down, hmm!'

'I can't talk back to my master!' Diarmuid replied, horrified.

'If he's doing something funny you have to correct him. It's an honour of a king...'

'Knight...' came the correction.

'God, just go there and show him who's the fighter!'

'Rider!' Waver shouted. It was bad enough he was practically getting ordered around from a spirit he himself summoned, he didn't need to get blamed for corrupting morals of the other heroes too.

'Not now, boy, adults are talking.'

'But I just want to serve him!' lancer tried his best to protest against the irrational advice. Rider stared him down with a frown.

'There may be something wrong with you knights...' he concluded with a serious face.

'Rider!'

 

 

'...the latest abduction was from the block of flats near municipal hall, Caster doesn't seem to be using any methods of transport-magical or other so his den should be close by. You'll go scout the area and look for possible hiding-'

'No.'

'What...?' Kayneth wasn't angry yet, just mildly confused that the spirit would interrupt him. The only reason for that he could think of was the presence of another servant. He tensed slightly. What came after that, though, was unexpected.

'Following the opponent and waiting for the most suitable chance to strike him down or even corner him isn't chivalrous. Please, let me go against Caster in a fair fight. I'll prove my strength to yo-.'

'Isn't chivalrous.' his master replied in a cold tone, mocking the very idea of chivalry. His servant ignored the very laws of logic and gave up on any strategical thinking because of an useless outdated concept like that. He wouldn't abandon it, no matter how many times he got told off. What is he even supposed to do with a warrior like that?!

'Were you summoned by the holy Grail to play at being chivalrous?!' after hearing the anger hidden in that reprimanding voice, lancer hung down his head in submission instinctively, going against the very advice Rider gave him. He wouldn't dare to push the subject any further.

'No, I apologise, master.'

 

 

'I wouldn't know anything about that myself, I'm sorry...' Arthuria shook her head, once again reminded of the bitter relationship she had with her real master.

'But you and your master seem to have reached a great understanding.' Diarmuid gestured to Irisviel witnessing the exchange. Nobody knew she wasn't Arthuria's master yet, Kiritsugu's plans were working out flawlessly again, irritatingly so.

Saber found herself unable to answer. She would never lie, especially not to an honourable warrior like lancer. If she were to explain the situation, she could endanger Irisviel, the vessel of the Grail, but more importantly a lady under her sworn protection. Diarmuid would understand and might promise to say nothing of it, but withholding such a crucial information from his master would be close to betrayal.

'Maybe talk to him.' Irisviel offered, derailing saber's train of thought.

'Find out which interests you have in common...' she continued, twisting a strand of hair on her finger.

'That is very good idea, Irisviel.' Arthuria smiled at her, rescued from her inner struggles.

'I see, thanks you for your kind advice, master of Saber...'

'I think I like solving problems like this.' the homunculi smiled, enjoying herself. She may even start an office to help people like that, that' be nice.

 

 

'I can't say, I've never held a weapon. Is that important?' Kayneth sighed, resting his forehead on his hand. His servant busying himself with stupid ideas like that instead of being useful never failed to give him a headache.

'No... I just, if you had to choose...'

'I am a magus.' his master said, slowly as if explaining the thing to a child in kindergarten or perhaps to the most stupid of his students back in the Clock tower.

'I have no need to use weapon and will never have!'

'I see, I did not mean to offend you, I know see it was a silly question... Do you...' Lancer's eyes darted around the room looking for a suitable topic of conversation. They finally fell on the glass his master was holding.

'Do you like Japanese wine, master?'

'It's not a wine, only a pathetic excuse of a grape juice grown in a pathetic excuse of a country!' he rolled his eyes, the headache was getting even worse.

'I understand,...' how can he even continue from this point? Anything he thought of sounded like a horrible idea.

'Do you...'

'For god's sake lancer, if you're going to ask me about women next, I'll force this bottle down your throat!'

'You must be clairvoyant, master!'

 

 

Diarmuid spent most of his day doing errands and scouting once again. He had protested that he won't be able to protect his master like that, but it seemed that Kayneth took it as a personal insult to his abilities as a magus and since Sola just entered the room, lancer was almost glad he could leave.

He had hoped that he would meet saber or at least rider if he went around the city in his physical form, but wasn't that lucky. He didn't find even a single clue or magic trace leading to caster, perhaps due to his low luck, meaning his master was sure to scold him again.

Returning back to their hotel, he walked with his head held low so he wouldn't accidentally bewitch any poor woman again, barely avoiding a man who suddenly sprung at him.

'Sir, sir! Aren't you hungry? We got a new dinner menu!' the person called after him, seeing that he got passed that easily, waving his arms.

'I'm afraid not.'

'Then have a coffee or something to drink! Seats next to the computers are free this late.'

'I'm sorry, but I doubt your establishment would solve my problem. Maybe next-'

'Sure it would, you can find anything on the internet if you know what to search!' the man was getting desperate, his salary was at stake today, but finally he felt a sense of relief when his chosen victim looked back, interested.

'Truly anything?'

'Of course... yes...?' doesn't that guy know how net works?

 

 

'This horrendous machine, this disgraceful search device shaming the god's name, does it always say truth?!' upon hearing that, a waiter approached the new customer, rather confused by that melodramatic scene and positively horrified by the face the man made. As if the computer was tearing up his very soul.

'Yes, of course. Why do you ask?'

'Then it must be this age! I never knew the people would have abandoned all their morals and shame in this century!'

'Would you like some coffee, sir?' the waiter asked with a trained smile, suppressing a sigh. Charlie was picking up the weird sort of people from the street again. Still a shame, a handsome guy like that gone completely bonkers.

'Yes... I believe I might need that...'

 

 

'Why are the lights off? Lancer!' he could have sworn his servant was hatching something again, he's been acting weird these past few days.

'Lancer!' he shouted again, turning on the light in the hall and removing his shoes. Doors to the bedroom were open. Oh, god, if that useless servant was doing what Kayneth thought he was doing to his fiancé he better go back to being dead or else-

'What-lancer?!' when he turned on the light in the bedroom it was quite not what he feared which surprisingly made it all the more disturbing.

'Yes, master?'

'Can you explain... this...?!' he vaguely stretched his arms and gestured to the bed where his servant lay with just a blanket around his intimate parts, with a look of horrified confusion.

'I-i... you can do anything...' Diarmuid frowned, face red, wrinkling his forehead as in deep thought.

'I think I forgot the rest... how shameful of me...' his master covered his face with his arms, trying to overcome the urge to scream. Instead, he took a deep breath and started with the mandatory search to quench the last doubt he had. He looked under the bed, into the wardrobe, opened doors to the bathroom...

'Sola hasn't arrived home yet?'

'No, master... we have plenty of time to-'

'No, we don't! And no, we won't! Now, will stop your stupid experiments on me?! Each time you come back it's something even worse-what's it gonna be next, there can't possibly be anything worse than-' Kayneth suddenly stopped, realising his mistake. He accidentally found himself processing some of the worst scenarios and the colour drained from his face.

'...I'm engaged...' he stated as the last resort, ready to run for the door at any given moment.

'You're saying you won't indulge in this... thing...?' Lancer's eyes suddenly lit up.

'I'm so relieved! I was given into thinking the rules of servitude had changed so violently but I was blessed with such an honourable master as you!'

'Where did you even get that idea that you had to...'

'The magic box said so, I thought that you might be unsatisfied with me for denying you what you thought-'

'Please stop that utter gibberish, my head hurts from listening to it-no! D-don't do that while naked!' Lancer nodded quickly and stopped hugging him but smiled wildly with relief.

'Put your clothes back on, Sola could come in any time now and misunderstand...'

'...then she would kill me...'-was what he wanted to add but decided not to.

'Thank you, master!' lancer sprang up from the bed, appearing his clothes again. He went down on one knee and grabbed Kayneth's hand-with a little bit of force as his master didn't think he had the clearest intentions after all that-and kissed it before turning into his spiritual form, smiling again.

Kayneth sighed, collapsing on the bed. He couldn't decide if he made the best decision or the very worst. He was still a useless servant anyway, if only he had rider! Still, that mole on his hip bone... no! He's engaged! He's so so so engaged!

 

 

'You googled how to satisfy your master?' Waver asked and after he got a confused nod out of Diarmuid he bent over with laughter.

'Oh, god... did you... did you try that on El Melloi?'

'I only waited for him without my attire... I forgot what the instructions said I should do next, it seemed fairly complicated... maybe I'm really useless...' Rider's small master laughed even harder, clutching his stomach.

'His face... it must have been priceless...!' he huffed, still chuckling.

'I don't understand the hilarity of that! I was ready to discard all my dignity...!' Waver didn't have enough air to speak so he just waved his hand in dismissal.

'I think I should give up now, it only seems to unnerve my master, he won't even look me in the eye now...'

'That's not surprising, I mean, you just threw yourself at him!' lancer looked away, face red with shame.

'Forget that,... just don't make that kind of face...! God, that big idiot still isn't back!' he tried his best to look absolutely occupied with his watch, throwing nervous looks in Diarmuid's direction. He hadn't wanted to rub salt into his wounds, he really hadn't!

Lancer sighed and leaned on the wall of the supermarket as if he couldn't support himself any longer under the weight of his worries, giving up all hope. He looked rather pitiful like that.

'I mean...' Waver started slowly, guilty to the bone.

'...maybe start with some normal things like doing him tea...?'

'Tea...?' lancer frowned, confused.

'Won't it be wife's duty to...'

'You can't make tea?'

'No, not that I can't... but you are right, it seems lady Sola is very reserved towards my master...' Waver frowned, this was going in weird direction from tea.

'You're not gonna do the lying on a bed thing again, are you?'

'Nonsense! I'll act as a perfect spouse for my master!'

'How long were you searching stuff on that computer?!' Waver sighed, the guy was just hopeless, he couldn't get what he was thinking of at all.

'Please, don't remind me of that!' lancer groaned, covering his eyes with his hands.

'...but seriously,' Waver went on.

'I'm not taking any responsibility for that!'

 

 

'You do like black tea, isn't that right?' lancer beamed happily, presenting his master with a steaming cup.

'What did you put into it?' Kayneth asked without looking up, examining the offered beverage.

'A teabag, water and sugar... it said so on the box of tea... Did I make some mistake?' Diarmuid asked anxiously, rubbing his forearm to calm himself down. The other man eyed him suspiciously before taking the first sip.

'It's too sweet.'

'I'm sorry, I'll get it right next time.' next time?! Why should there be any next time? Another experiment of his?!

Kayneth sighed, resting his forehead on his hand. Sola did nothing else than complain about him the entire day and now even his servant might be trying to poison him for all he knew. He was too tired to care any more, the migraine was killing him.

'Does your head hurt, master?' lancer asked, suddenly concerned.

'What does it look like to you?!' came the angry reply. Diarmuid smiled to himself, placing his hands on his master's temples. He got slapped away at first, but when he started drawing circles into the skin, massaging it, the resistance ceased.

'Really,..' Kayneth said, resisting the urge to lean into the touch, his fiancé never bothered with anything like that.

'...what are you playing at now?'

'Don't worry, master, I'll take good care of you.' that seemed like the exact time where he should start being worried.

 

 

'We're going out for the night Sola.' Kayneth called back from the hallway and then, when he realised it wasn't very informative, added:

'Ambushing saber's master, killing caster and such. We'll come back late.'

'Not before I kill saber in an honourable duel for you, master.' lancer smiled, handing over what seemed to be a big, incredibly heavy vase.

'If that makes you happy, but don't take too long.' a nod and the vase suddenly lost most of it's weight before Kayneth took it.

'Very happy. Here...' Diarmuid reached out, straightening his master's suit and brushing of a few specks of dust.

'How do I look?'

'Intimidating, master.' both of them chuckled at that and Kayneth patted the unruly hair of his servant, unsure how to praise him. It still seemed to had worked as he received a look of pure gratitude. Was the air around lancer sparkling...? No, perhaps he just had too much black tea...

'Sure, take care...' Sola replied, dumbstruck at the scene playing itself in front of her eyes. Why was he this nice to him?! How could Diarmuid be so ignorant of her feelings?!

'There's still some food in the cooling device.' lancer stated in some effort to comfort her, without a clue what was going on inside of her head.

'Not any more, I'm afraid. Just turn on the... what's it called?' Kayneth gestured to the monstrosity hanging from the wall of the living room.

'Magical screen.' Diarmuid offered, still distrusting modern devices.

'The tee-vision... doesn't matter. Let's go, Diarmuid.'

'Wait, master, are you sure you won't take second mystic code with you?'

'Do you think I wouldn't be able to kill Einzbern master with just one?'

'I don't doubt that, I just don't want you to suffer any unnecessary injury...'

'Kayneth...' Sola interrupted them in the most gentle tone possible, smiling sweetly, ready to pull out her trump card.

'Wouldn't it be nice to have a wedding in the cherry season, right here?'

'Whose wedding...?' Kayneth looked at her, utterly confused. Sola looked back at him with a blank expression.

Impossible! Had she just got her fiancé stolen...?!

 

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah, I just needed something to prove that Kayneth is pretty starving for affection when he didn't get hugged as a child and his wife keeps giving him a cold shoulder. Also, I wanted to write Diarmuid freaked out by the danger that is internet. And yes, I can totally imagine him having great many moles on his body. :D  
> If you're wondering about the vase-that's the thing Kayneth keeps his mystic code(the mercury thingy) in according to the novels, it's pretty heavy so he has to magic it before he can carry it around... I think he had a vial or something instead of it in the anime.   
> Anyway, I just had to make a reference to the Einzbern consultation room, that was a must.   
> Aaand, I might have just created an alternate version of f/z in which Kayneth wins the battle against Kiritsugu 'cause he has more mystic codes with him(it's still a shame we only got to see one of his many).  
> Hope somebody can enjoy this. :D


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